if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
