Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
