she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
