fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
