Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
