mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you have to choose: penises or morals?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Randomize
