Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n