Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make