All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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