Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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