some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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