I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
