I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
