How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
