Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
