the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i came on her dog
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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