Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
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I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
3pm strippers are depressing
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This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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