Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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