No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
