I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
