that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
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I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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