My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
