Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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