I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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