I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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