just tell him i said nine months
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
