happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
