I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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