my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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