Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
