My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
bring money and cleavage
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
