I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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