Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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