My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
