How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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