I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
