I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
