sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
