Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
