Dude my mom stole all your condoms
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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