how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
