I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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