closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
