Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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