dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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