if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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