also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
