Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
