is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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