what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
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Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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