I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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