i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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