Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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