i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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