So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We are two peas in an std pod
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
