Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
