This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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