If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
