Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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