After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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