A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
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